Self-Tuning

“The Tao never does anything, yet through it all things are done. If powerful men and women could center themselves in it, the whole world would be transformed by itself, in its natural rhythms.”

~ Lao Tzu

Self-tuning is the practice of bringing the unconscious brain under control in order to create positive outcomes in your life and in your relationships with other people.

Self-tuning practices include internally-facing rituals, meditation, using the breath, evoking compassion, focusing energy, evoking power, calming the mind, etc.

Self-tuning can also include physical movement and sound such as the pacing of your speech, volume of your voice, tonal inflection, where the eyes rest, etc.

Many of these practices are designed to entrain--that is, physically align--your presence with someone else’s. Entrainment is the phenomenon in which two people find themselves aligned with each other at the level of the unconscious, and at the level of the somatic (breathing, eye contact, gesture, tone/pitch/volume of voice. This then emerges into the conscious mind as a feeling of affinity, connection, and willingness to collaborate.

For example:

• Calming the mind. It is not uncommon to suggest that someone take a deep breath before starting anything. It turns out that “take a deep breath” is very good advice. Various studies show that any brief ritual that turns the mind inward before focusing outward has dramatic effects.

o   People who wish to diet, and who simply count to 10 before eating, eat less.

o   People who evoke a state of calm in themselves before a transaction calm others.

• Evoking a state of mind:

o   People who briefly and internally remind themselves of the time when they felt good, feel good.

o   People who briefly and internally remind themselves of a time when they were powerful before entering a room, show up as more powerful.

o   People who briefly and internally remind themselves of the time when they felt connected to the person who is in front of them, feel connected to the person in front of them. And that person feels it too.

o   People who practice a simple meditation, such as: “breathing in the patient parent, breathing out the frustrated parent” are better parents.

o   People who are feeling intimidated, angry, or otherwise out of alignment with another person can regain their footing and power by simply imagining that their heart is open to that person, that that person is, or has, struggled and is sensitive and desires understanding, just like them.

In StartupLand, the purpose of this work is to both make yourself more collaborative and more powerful, and to leave others with a sense that they want to help more, be in your presence more, and be part of the mission that you are laying out.

Employing a range of self-tuning practices is a powerful platform from which to build teams, investor relationships, advisor relationships, mentor relationships, etc.

Case Studies

The Annoyed and Frustrated CEO

Alvaro launched a software startup in the music download sector that paired prediction data with search. As pressure grew to push out an MVP, he began to experience Tim, his CTO, drifting away – the weekly phone calls felt lackluster to him, and some of the deadlines he set for product development were slipping

Alvaro got angry and started rehearsing a phone call in his mind, where he committed himself to “lay down the law,” and “read Tim the riot act,” and “give him an ultimatum.”

He knew this was an unskillful approach, but it was hard for him to resist the way his mind was pulling him.

He decided to reshape his thinking around the transaction and did some self-tuning. 

But first, he reached into his Mastering Relationships toolbox and designed a Difficult Conversation using the outline and checklist. Then, he sent a proposal to Tim that outlined the Purpose, Outcome and Process he wanted to use for a phone call (Tim was working from another city, so a face-to-face meeting was not possible). Then, he checked with Tim to see if this felt to him as an appropriate and helpful way to proceed, and Tim said yes.

Before the phone call, Tim recalled a time when he was clear, strong, and effective in a difficult conversation. Right before the phone call, he evoked an image of Tim and their long relationship, and he imagined opening his heart to him. Alvaro’s particular approach, which he designed himself because it felt effective to him, was to imagine that he could place a hand crank into his heart, and slowly crank it open, turn by turn. After ten turns or so, Alvaro felt softened, fully available, and ready to meet Tim wherever he was without being triggered by the other experiences he had been having with his CTO.

He took three deep breaths and, feeling calm and centered, picked up the phone and began the call.

During the call, he stayed on his side of the net, listening carefully, asked questions, and used the conversational prompts that he knew created a connection with others. He shared the meaning and impact that his perception of the work style of his CTO had on him and the rest of the team. 

Tim was not looking forward to the conversation, he confessed later. He was taken aback at first and began to explain and rationalize his poor performance. There were some issues in his life that were inhibiting him from fully engaging, and as the conversation progressed he found Alvaro so available and welcoming that he was able to share the strains in his life that affected his workstyle.

Alvaro, for his part, felt compassionate, calm, and in control. Even when he felt Tim getting what appeared to him to be defensive and even irritated, he stayed compassionate and curious. He did not judge, presume anything or attack his CTO. Instead, he created the sense of a “shared problem,” asking Tim for help in understanding the situation and developing an approach that optimized for high performance on the team.

He watched for his emotions and breathed when he felt he was getting triggered. He did not rush for resolution, knowing that difficult conversations often must be thought about over time, and solutions need time to gestate.

At the end of the call, he summarized where he thought they had gotten to (and what remained to be considered) and checked with Tim for agreement. Then, he ended by asking Tim to think about the conversation and promised that he would do the same. They scheduled a second call for the following afternoon.

That night, he got an email from Tim saying, “thanks, lots for being so thoughtful in that interaction. I know I have been drifting a bit and appreciated the agenda you set, and your kindness, and the care you are putting into helping us get back in sync together. I am preparing some notes for our call tomorrow (below) and would like to make good use of our time. Let me know what you think, and thanks again, Tim.”

The Hard Introduction

Janet, CEO of a small startup building a marketplace and payment platform for local home care professionals, was at a garden party in her city when she recognized, across the lawn, a potential adviser who she thought might be a real help to her startup. 

She also had a story in her head about him. He was fairly well-known, and she had heard that he was hard to deal with. She had even seen him once appearing rather dismissive and abrupt in a conversation with another entrepreneur.

She also knew he was an expert in online trust mechanics, so she wanted to collaborate with him.

She noted her nervousness, her sense of being one down and disempowered, and her sense of dread about having to navigate a conversation with him. She thought about slipping out the door but knew this was an unmistakable opportunity to connect.

Reaching into her self-tuning toolbox, she took a deep breath and imagined him as a person with a long history, a life with its twists and turns and disappointments, a fellow human with a very human desire to be connected with other people. She imagined that he had built defenses around him that made him show up as distant and unsympathetic.

Then she remembered vividly a time the previous week when she was having fun, feeling confident, connected, and professional.

Feeling more confident and available, she walked up to him, introduced herself, and said spontaneously, "I am told that you are an expert in some of the things I'm curious about, and I would love to pose a problem that I think you would find interesting." 

They chatted amiably for ten minutes and made an appointment to talk later that week.